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I talked yesterday about Courtship vs Dating, today I give discussion topics for those choosing courtship.

During a courtship  you have much time to get to know one another.  Sometimes it can be awkward if you don’t know what to say or ask.  I have included a list of topics that are worth discussing during a courting situation.

Remember, these questions are  not make or break question and answers.  They are just meant to be used as a tool for getting to know the other person better.  The couple should spend time during a visit discussing the questions.  Getting to know each other these can be special times you want special memories!!

Courtship Questions  Here is a PDF of the questions below

Spiritual life

• What is the evidence of your salvation?
• What do you believe about the role of baptism?
• What about the Lord’s supper–should everyone participate?
• Do you believe in infant baptism?
• Do you put a higher priority over church vs. family?
• What are your time commitments to church vs. family?
• What do you understand about God’s purpose for the church?
• How do you feel about church attendance?
• How would you handle disagreements with church leadership?
• What about youth groups and activities without families?
• What about age segregated church classes?
• How do you view the Sabbath?  What activities should children be allowed to do?
• What is the man/woman role in the church?
• When and what would lead to leaving or changing churches?
• What is your view of the celebrations such as Easter and Christmas?  Any other holidays important?
• How will you celebrate birthdays?
• How will you celebrate Christmas?
• What about gifts for holidays or birthdays large or small? expensive or inexpensive?
• Are you faithful in church attendance?  How long have you been at your church?
• What are your habits in prayer and bible study?
• What is your view on personal witnessing?
• What are your spiritual gifts?  strengths?
• What is your father/mother’s understanding of Christianity?  How would you describe their personal character?
• Do you have a teachable spirit?  Can you give examples?
• Recognizing we are all imperfect, in what areas do you think God wants you to improve the most?

Relationships

• Describe your relationship with father/mother?  Is it honoring?  Obedient?
• Describe relationship with each of your siblings.
• Describe relationship with any other family members–grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.
• Describe relationship with friends. Are you peer-dependent?
• Are you consistent in fulfilling your commitments?  Examples.
• Do you show a willingness to serve others?  Is self-centeredness expressed in your life?
• How do you relate to authority in your life?
• Are you manipulative of others?
• What kinds of situations cause frustrations in you? Do you get angry?  Do you raise your voice when angered?
• Have you ever had to deal with a broken relationship?  Describe and share how you handled it.
• How do you feel about the balance of job and family?
• How do you feel about overtime work–evenings and Saturdays or Sundays?
• When wife disagrees with husband–what should happen?
• Should information ever be withheld from spouse?  If so, what and when?
• Decision making–what is wife’s role?  What is husbands role?
• Role of father and mother in relationship to children
• What are basic responsibilities of husband/wife?
• What if either are negligent in area of responsibility?
• How to handle disagreements with parents or in-laws.
• Holidays with extended family at their home or yours?
• The role of seeking counsel when making decisions.
• When is it appropriate to reject the counsel of others?
• How much time do you want spouse spending on activities away from home?
• Do you like lots of company, or do you prefer more time to yourself and alone with your family?

Personal habits

• Are your eating habits disciplined?
• Any food dislikes?  or likes?
• Do you have any physical or mental disabilities or diseases?  Any allergies?  Any prior or current health problems?
• What are your views on alcohol?
• What are your views on smoking?
• Are your spending habits disciplined?  Do you tithe?  What is your view of debt?
• Describe your work ethic.  Do you have a high standard of excellence?  Do you tend to be slothful or a workaholic?
• What is your discipline in studying?
• Do you read?  Who is your favorite author?
• What are your sleep habits?  Are your habits regular?  Are you lethargic?
• Are you organized?
• Would you consider yourself neat or messy?
• Are you a morning or night person?
• Are you scheduled or more flexible?
• Arrive early or late to commitments?
• What are appropriate uses of leisure time?
• What types of reading material, movies, TV, or music to you allow yourself?
• What makes a good vacation?  How often?  What about cost?
• Do you believe in date times for young parents?
• Background music or quiet?
• What are your views on saving for purchases?  How would you go about doing it?
• Would you investment money?

Marital roles

• Are you more of a leader or follower in life?  Examples.
• In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play?
• What is your view on the role of a wife?
• What are your views on women working outside of the home?
• Division of work in home? Should man take out trash? Who should do shopping?
• What are your views concerning divorce and remarriage.
• How should a man provide for a wife and family?
• How should a man protect a wife and children?
• How do you feel about guns?
• How do you see your relationship with your in-laws?
• What has been your prior experience with dating and romance?  Have you ever kissed or been physically intimate in any way?
• What is your stand on abortion?  What about in case of rape?
• How do you relate to children?
• What are your thoughts regarding birth control and family planning?
• How many children do you hope to have?
• What is your attitude toward adopting children?
• What are your views on child training?
• Make up some hypothetical situations and see how they would handle them?
• Would you spank?
• Who disciplines children when both parents are present?
• Any sports involvement or extra activities for children?
• How should daughters/sons be raised?
• What if older children disagree with some of your beliefs?
• How much should family be away from home when young, when older?
• Dresses vs. pants on little girls, older girls
• What are your views on homeschooling?
• What are your thoughts on family worship?
• When you fail someone, what actions do you take to rectify the situation?
• Are you honest? Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit?
• In what ways do you think you may need to grow before marriage?
• Schooling options – only homeschooling?
• What are the goals you seek to reach as you school your children?
• What subjects are most important?
• Is college an option for older homeschooled children?

Moral standards

• What are your views of standards for dress for woman and men?
• What are your views on head coverings for women?
• What are your views on public swimming?
• Do you use offensive language?
• Do you watch rated R, PG rated movies?  What were last 5 movies you watched?
• What kind of music do you prefer? Do you find any offensive?
• What is your view on debt?  Should you have it?
• Buying things new vs old–what would you allow/dis-allow?
• Have you ever had periods of rebellion?  Are there any unsettled issues with your parents?

Miscellaneous Starter Questions

• What is your attitude toward pets? Indoor? Outdoor?
• When is resistance to government rational?
• What is role of government?
• Should you vote?
• What are your political leanings?
• What is (are) your favorite sources for news?
• What are your interests, hobbies, talents?
• What are your income producing (vocational) skills?
• What is your attitude toward family (home) business?
• What do you value most highly in life? What next?
• What do you tend to do in your spare time?
• What is your involvement in sports? Do you participate, attend games, watch it on TV? To what extent? What sports do you like?
• If “your” daughter were marrying “you,” what cautions would you have?
• What are your thoughts on alternative medicine?
• What are your thoughts on immunizations?
• What about prenatal care and birth?
• Do you prefer to live in the city, suburbs, town, or country; farm, seaside, mountains, or desert? Why?
• Describe a typical week day in your life from start to finish.
• Describe a typical Saturday in your life from start to finish.
• Describe a typical Sunday in your life from start to finish.
• Can you describe your life purpose, and how you intend to use your interests, experiences, skills, and talents to serve and glorify God?

Hope these can be put to use.  Be blessed.

 

Courtship……………………that word just looks old-fashioned doesn’t it?  I remember when my oldest was in her younger teen years and we were talking about courtship, it seemed not many people around us were for it.  They would say things like, “it’s old fashioned” or ” how are they going to get to know the opposite sex.”  And my favorite, a comment from other teens–“how will I know what I want from a guy, if I don’t date a lot of different boys now?”

I remember growing up and “dating” other boys.  Dating was a time to talk romantic nonsense, hold hands, kiss, and possibly do other intimate things. Dating is typically selfish.  It is fulfilling selfish desires to have fun and see how “close” you can get without getting into trouble.   There was never any commitment, just lots of broken hearts.  We changed boyfriends without any real rhyme or reason, I KNEW I did not want my children to experience that.

That is when I learned about courtship.

 So what exactly is courtship?

It can mean many different things to different families.  Here is a basic understanding of it.  It is the practice of learning about someone enough to know whether or not they are compatible for marriage.  It involves friendship, discussing each other’s individual future plans, spending time with each other’s families, and praying privately for God’s will in the matter.  After deciding if it is God’s will to get married, the couple seeks the approval of the parents and then gets engaged.  After engagement the couple still avoids intimacy until marriage.

During courtship it is a chance to avoid temptation and experience the blessings of purity.  It is a choice to not give away your heart emotionally piece by piece to many others through dating relationships but instead to give your whole heart to your life partner.

Dating typically answers the questions of : Who can I find that will make ME happy?  Courtship typically answers:  How can I honor God and discern HIS path for me concerning my life partner?

Some will argue that it isn’t about dating or courtship it is lack of self control.  Which I whole hardheartedly agree with.  We must ALL experience and practice self control.  The problem is that with dating, we are expected to be alone.  We are expected to say “No,” when there are no safeguards that are in place.    If we don’t give our children boundaries to live by, how will they learn to live within anything?  If we as parents, set up the rules for courtship verses dating, it helps protect their hearts and their emotions.

What are the “rules for courtship?”

I wouldn’t say that there are any certain rules to abide by.  As parents, it is a good rule to set up boundaries that you are comfortable with.  You have to decide which rules you will set forth for your child to do.  They will be different for different families, everyone has their boundaries.  These are just some “suggestions” for you to follow.   For example:

• Texting—will you allow them to text among each other or in group text with Mom and Dad?
• Talking–on phone alone or on speaker phone?
• Visits–alone or in a group setting?
• Chaperones—important when going anywhere to be respectful and to protect both parties involved.
• How frequent are visits?
• Is potential suitor allowed any type of contact with daughter without first asking consent of parents?
• Any physical contact?–side hugs, hand holding, etc

Courtship is a time when a young man and young woman can learn about one another within the natural setting of a family and fellowship. When there are children around–sometimes bothersome, normal conversations, and sometimes even conflict these can ALL be good times for each person to “evaluate” how the other one acts and reacts to things.

During this period, the young woman can decide:

• Can I respect and submit to this man as unto the Lord?
• Will he be a faithful provider?
• Will he protect, love and be a good father to me and my children?
• Is he a wise or foolish man?
• How about his character….is  it like minded in areas of importance?
• Do we agree on major issues of life?

A man will love you great when he loves God greater.

As well as the young man to decide:

• Can I love this woman as Christ loves the church?
• Can my heart be safely trusted in her?
• Is she a virtuous woman who is worth far more than rubies?
• Will she be a good helper to me?
• Will she be a good caring and loving mother to our children?

 

You are free to choose, but you are not free to alter the consequences of your decisions.  Ezra Taft Benson

 

Each young person is to remember that courtship is just finding out if this is God’s will for each other.  In fact, the other person may be someone else’s chosen spouse.  It is important to remember to guard the affectionate and romantic side of relationships as much as possible.

In time, as the courtship continues to progress, it is normal to have the affection and friendship between the two.  This is still a time of “discovery” with one another.  Both parties are to pay close attention to the character of one another as it is revealed in daily life.  For example…

• How does the young man react when his mother needs him to do something that is inconvenient for  him?
• What is young ladies response to disappointment?
• Is she helpful?
• Is her modest in her demeanor?
• Is he/she flirtatious?
• Is there signs of anger in the young man?
• Is he a hard worker?
• What is his response to noisy siblings?
• How does each person react to stresses and annoyances?

These are all things that should be important to each individual and should encourage each other to look past the immediate now and look 5-10 years down the road.  Would each other looking back “wish” they would have taken note to the “warning” signs that they saw in each other back then?

None of this is fool proof, courtships and dating can both go smoothly or they could both end in bad situations.  But If I had to choose a path for my children to experience it would be the “screening” process of courtship verses the “spur of the moment” romance of dating.  Hearts and purity can be better protected in the courtship situation.

I don’t have all the answers and maybe some of my answers are not what you believe, and that is okay.  We can all agree to disagree about issues.  But if you are on board for courtship, watch for tomorrow I will include some topics to discuss when going through the courtship process.