Courtship vs Dating? Which one is right??

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Courtship……………………that word just looks old-fashioned doesn’t it?  I remember when my oldest was in her younger teen years and we were talking about courtship, it seemed not many people around us were for it.  They would say things like, “it’s old fashioned” or ” how are they going to get to know the opposite sex.”  And my favorite, a comment from other teens–“how will I know what I want from a guy, if I don’t date a lot of different boys now?”

I remember growing up and “dating” other boys.  Dating was a time to talk romantic nonsense, hold hands, kiss, and possibly do other intimate things. Dating is typically selfish.  It is fulfilling selfish desires to have fun and see how “close” you can get without getting into trouble.   There was never any commitment, just lots of broken hearts.  We changed boyfriends without any real rhyme or reason, I KNEW I did not want my children to experience that.

That is when I learned about courtship.

 So what exactly is courtship?

It can mean many different things to different families.  Here is a basic understanding of it.  It is the practice of learning about someone enough to know whether or not they are compatible for marriage.  It involves friendship, discussing each other’s individual future plans, spending time with each other’s families, and praying privately for God’s will in the matter.  After deciding if it is God’s will to get married, the couple seeks the approval of the parents and then gets engaged.  After engagement the couple still avoids intimacy until marriage.

During courtship it is a chance to avoid temptation and experience the blessings of purity.  It is a choice to not give away your heart emotionally piece by piece to many others through dating relationships but instead to give your whole heart to your life partner.

Dating typically answers the questions of : Who can I find that will make ME happy?  Courtship typically answers:  How can I honor God and discern HIS path for me concerning my life partner?

Some will argue that it isn’t about dating or courtship it is lack of self control.  Which I whole hardheartedly agree with.  We must ALL experience and practice self control.  The problem is that with dating, we are expected to be alone.  We are expected to say “No,” when there are no safeguards that are in place.    If we don’t give our children boundaries to live by, how will they learn to live within anything?  If we as parents, set up the rules for courtship verses dating, it helps protect their hearts and their emotions.

What are the “rules for courtship?”

I wouldn’t say that there are any certain rules to abide by.  As parents, it is a good rule to set up boundaries that you are comfortable with.  You have to decide which rules you will set forth for your child to do.  They will be different for different families, everyone has their boundaries.  These are just some “suggestions” for you to follow.   For example:

  • Texting—will you allow them to text among each other or in group text with Mom and Dad?
  • Talking–on phone alone or on speaker phone?
  • Visits–alone or in a group setting?
  • Chaperones—important when going anywhere to be respectful and to protect both parties involved.
  • How frequent are visits?
  • Is potential suitor allowed any type of contact with daughter without first asking consent of parents?
  • Any physical contact?–side hugs, hand holding, etc

Courtship is a time when a young man and young woman can learn about one another within the natural setting of a family and fellowship. When there are children around–sometimes bothersome, normal conversations, and sometimes even conflict these can ALL be good times for each person to “evaluate” how the other one acts and reacts to things.

During this period, the young woman can decide:

  • Can I respect and submit to this man as unto the Lord?
  • Will he be a faithful provider?
  • Will he protect, love and be a good father to me and my children?
  • Is he a wise or foolish man?
  • How about his character….is  it like minded in areas of importance?
  • Do we agree on major issues of life?

A man will love you great when he loves God greater.

As well as the young man to decide:

  • Can I love this woman as Christ loves the church?
  • Can my heart be safely trusted in her?
  • Is she a virtuous woman who is worth far more than rubies?
  • Will she be a good helper to me?
  • Will she be a good caring and loving mother to our children?

 

You are free to choose, but you are not free to alter the consequences of your decisions.  Ezra Taft Benson

 

Each young person is to remember that courtship is just finding out if this is God’s will for each other.  In fact, the other person may be someone else’s chosen spouse.  It is important to remember to guard the affectionate and romantic side of relationships as much as possible.

In time, as the courtship continues to progress, it is normal to have the affection and friendship between the two.  This is still a time of “discovery” with one another.  Both parties are to pay close attention to the character of one another as it is revealed in daily life.  For example…

  • How does the young man react when his mother needs him to do something that is inconvenient for  him?
  • What is young ladies response to disappointment?
  • Is she helpful?
  • Is her modest in her demeanor?
  • Is he/she flirtatious?
  • Is there signs of anger in the young man?
  • Is he a hard worker?
  • What is his response to noisy siblings?
  • How does each person react to stresses and annoyances?

These are all things that should be important to each individual and should encourage each other to look past the immediate now and look 5-10 years down the road.  Would each other looking back “wish” they would have taken note to the “warning” signs that they saw in each other back then?

None of this is fool proof, courtships and dating can both go smoothly or they could both end in bad situations.  But If I had to choose a path for my children to experience it would be the “screening” process of courtship verses the “spur of the moment” romance of dating.  Hearts and purity can be better protected in the courtship situation.

I don’t have all the answers and maybe some of my answers are not what you believe, and that is okay.  We can all agree to disagree about issues.  But if you are on board for courtship, watch for tomorrow I will include some topics to discuss when going through the courtship process.

 

 

 

simple living lifestyle challenge 51 learn to let go

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simple living

The challenge: Learn to let go

Letting go is hard, but sometimes holding on is harder.

Why is it, that we hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us?   It’s like we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity about who we are or who we want to stay as.

We will replay past mistakes and failures over and over again in our heads.  We allow feelings of shame and regret to shape our actions in the present.  We will cling to frustration and worry about the future as if that is going to do something for us.  We hold stress in our minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm.

Because why?  We can’t learn to let go.

 

Why make the change:

“Letting go” can mean a multitude of things to different people.  It can mean:

Letting go and not worrying about my house being cleaned perfectly so that I can enjoy fellowship with a friend that stops over for the afternoon.

Letting go and not keeping up appearances because I am afraid of what I will look like to others.

Letting go and not “making” my husband conform to my wants.  Example, not wearing his shoes in my house, eating the foods that I choose, or not leaving his clothing where he wants.

Letting go of my children and allowing them to grow on their own.

Letting go of my past hurt and allowing myself to grow.

Letting go of my expectations as a Mom and what I am called to be doing.

Letting go of controlling different situations in my life—finances, spouse, children, job, or friends.

Letting go and surrendering my life to the Lord.

There are so many different aspects that we ALL struggle with and deal with on a daily basis.  We need to be recognizing what areas in our life we are “holding” onto and learning to let them go and be free.

How to make the change:

Letting go and moving on, isn’t always easy.  Here are some things you can do to help ease the process:

  1.  Accept and be thankful.  It is what it is.  People are people and you can’t do anything about it.  Be thankful for the  memories, hold onto the good ones and get rid of the bad ones.  Every situation and problem has value, learn from it and move forward taking positive steps to avoid it.
  2. Focus on change. Realize that not everything in life is  meant to be understood.  You can drive yourself crazy mulling over the could of , should of, would of, statements in your head.  Realize that bad things happen and to good people.  You just have to live, let go, and learn what you can from it.  Don’t waste energy worrying about the things you can’t change. Focus on what you CAN change.  If there appears to be nothing that you can change, than change the way you think about it.
  3. Stop playing the victim.   Playing the victim feels good.  People like the “poor me syndrome.”  They enjoy the attention they get from it.  Guess what?  That gets old quickly.  Yes, your feelings do matter, but don’t think that the world owes you for your problems.  Everyone has them, it is part of life, we get knocked down and then get back up.  Take ownership of the problem, you be responsible for your happiness and outcome in life.  Don’t let someone else decide that for you.
  4.  Forgiveness.  In every moment of the day, you have a choice.  A choice to continue to feel bad about another person’s actions, or the choice to start feeling good. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness, and not put such power into the hands of another.  Make the choice to forgive and move on.
  5. Get rid of excess.  You need to rid yourself of superfluous excess in your life.  Look around your home, in those dark, dusty corners and cupboards.  They are filled to the brim with excess stuff.  Then start looking at the more difficult items that no longer add value to our lives.  Things like sentimental items, our unnecessarily large home, the expensive toys and gadgets, and bad relationships.  Start asking yourself what purpose does this serve  in my life?

You have the power to decide whether you want to be happy and move forward with your life or if you want to try to hang onto all of those “excessive” things that will ultimately be too heavy for you to carry and will cause you to stumble in some shape or form.

“Letting go” means learning from those negative experiences and realizing that you don’t have to take all of it with you as you try and move forward.  Take the lessons and move onward.  Sometimes it is an expectation that you have with something and you just have to say, “Okay, it’s not for me to decide how things SHOULD go, I have to just do and let everything fall into place in time.  Let go of expectations.  Be content.  Be happy.

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