As a Mom….I’m dying little by little everyday

I remember the night, I tried to take my own life. Satan was right there to help feed my mind with suicidal thoughts. I sat and listened to sad music that made me think of the things that I did not have. He gave me imaginary stories and thoughts about how others viewed me and what they thought of me. He let me know that I would not be missed, if I stepped out of this life. I was very good at listening to him and letting him control my life. I was almost letting him win.
I fell asleep hearing a thunderstorm in my mind. Then I heard a voice call out to me to get up. I ignored it. Several times throughout the night, the storm still raged, but that voice continued to call out to me. Even among my self-loathing, I remember hearing that “still small voice” and I know it was the voice of the Lord. He was trying to reach out to me one last time, but it was my choice whether or not I listened. I did.
I was treated poorly by most of the hospital staff. Here was another, lost teen trying to get attention. It was hurtful. The shame and aloneness I was still feeling even after I didn’t go through with Satan’s plans, it seemed I couldn’t get away from it. I didn’t want to hold on. My mind wanted to give up. I wanted to end this misery.
Most of the nurses were gruff and angered and didn’t want to deal with my mess. Then God sent someone. This older woman was very pleasant and kind to me. She smiled, held my hand, and prayed for me. She kept saying to hold on because God had a plan for my life and that I needed to pull through this. I didn’t really think much about it at the time, but I remember the love she showed and it pulled me through.

What would cause a person to want to bring all of their existence to an end so early on in life?  For myself, I was messed up.  I was a young child and someone had taken advantage of me and molested me when I didn’t even know what was going on.  Everyone around me just tried to bandage it up, make me believe it never really happened.  Inside my soul was conflicted, my mind was raging, I did not know what I was doing and it ended with my decision to end my life.

But the Lord stepped in.  Even though I did not know Him,  and I did not follow Him, He was there.  He took this broken teenager and helped wipe up this broken mess of a life that I had.

Fast forward to when I had gotten married and I started having children.  I still took the pain and abuse that I suffered from my past and let it rule my life.  Things would come up and it would spark something that was deep in my soul that made me start to dwell on what had happened.  I started thinking up things, imaginary things, things that would make me become angry.  I continued blaming those people that had “ruined” my life.  Taken what was not theirs to take.  Then I would look at the people around that were not “on my side” of hatred towards that person.  I would do this until it consumed it.  Depression would set in and I would mope around the house for days.  I couldn’t explain to others why I felt like I did, I just felt sad.  I had lost my joy.

I was dying little by little on the inside each day.

What did it take to stop the rotting away of my soul and turn it into a life and a life more abundantly?

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,

Ephesians 3:20

part 2………as a mom…I’m dying little by little each day

This series is part of excerpts from my book When the Clouds Roll In…….Finding contentment in the midst of the storm.  You can purchase it now as a download or it is available on Amazon for paper back copy.  If you want to transform your life and begin a life that is exceedingly abundantly above all that you can ask or think……..pick this up.

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